There are certain things that I have said a lot lately. I know this because M tells me. One thing I say a lot is sorry. He hates it. He thinks I am apologising for the baby dying. Again. But I’m not – I can’t apologise for that. I am not about to start the blame game. I’m saying sorry for the pain he is feeling. I am sorry that this hurts. I am sorry that this is happening to us. It’s a feeble way of trying to communicate that I know how much he is hurting too.
The other thing I find myself saying is – I’m not pregnant. It is comforting somehow telling myself that so I won’t be so disappointed when I lose the baby. Of course this is ridiculous and doesn’t help. At all. I must find something else to say.
The other thing I say over and over is: I don’t want this baby to die. I just found this excerpt from one of my journals. Must be from one of the TWWs. Heartbreaking.
Last night I did a test and it was negative. I was totally ok with it because:
- It was night not morning wee (that matters apparently).
- It’s still early
- Digi’s have never shown this early for me.
Then today I took a Sainsbury’s test. It was negative. Somehow it wasn’t OK. I really wanted it to be positive.
I’ve started obsessively checking for blood when I wipe. I am convinced that this pregnancy will end before I even have proof that it started. I have napped 3 times today but I haven’t thrown up. I’ve felt really nauseous but not as bad as yesterday. I’m really cold – usually a sign my period is coming. My boobs hurt a little. I woke up with a hormonal headache but now it’s gone.
I just really really don’t want this baby to die. I don’t want to say goodbye again.
So now that we are having some time off, I have decided to really focus on changing the words I use and focus on repeating positive thoughts. May be time to practise some positive self talk again. Or maybe I should just starting quoting Elf or some other Christmas classic?